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Mi, 30. Jul 2014, 22:02

Nows the time universe.

Mi, 23. Jul 2014, 11:58

My chest feels lighter
I slept better than I have in months
And woke up to a text you sent me at 2am

I missed this

I want this to continue

Do, 17. Jul 2014, 21:40

I don't understand where I am or what I am doing.

It still hurts so fucking much.

I don't understand why I do this. Why I go after people who don't want me.

I'm so scared about my life and the future.

I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

This was all about living my life the way I want to live it but I don't even know how I want to live my life any more.

I've been struggling so hard for so long i just thought I'd found something, I thought it mattered.

Nothing matters.

I'm so stuck.

Why do I do this.

So, 25. Mai 2014, 23:45

Wow.

This journal is like a bizarre time capsule. There are so many parts of my life that I've distanced myself from and blocked out. I've spent most of my life living in this weird haze where I just play human. I behave however it is that someone at whatever stage in life I'm at is supposed to.
I kind of shutter as I look back at each mask, knowing now that if I just was genuine about who I was that I would have liked myself so much more. I can't believe how much I bullshitted everything.
It never really mattered what anybody thought of me. Even so I carried around this deep seeded shame that I can't fully describe. The shame is what kept me putting up a front for each new cycle and each new person in my life.
I did it for literally everyone though, even my family. Because if I ever just was, me, they didn't get it.
It took meeting a person I could just be fully myself with for me to realize just how sick I was of pretending. How life isn't worth living if you are just this miserable people pleasing sack of idiot because you feel a sickening wave of dread and shame if people ever discovered how intelligent you actually are.

I play dumb real good.

So that no one ever looks too close. I like being underestimated, or I did. I'm so exhausted from all this hiding. I really am ready to live my life and experience things and carve out a place for myself that is my own.

I'm so ready to be whatever it is I am and not have the sinking feeling in my gut if anyone ever gets too close to my truth.

I always felt guilty for not being damaged enough. Or not having enough reason to be as fucked up as I am. I was so scared about the cycle of abuse, that I would hurt people in the ways that I'd been hurt.

I realize now that I am in control of what I become. I can't let past pain and past abuse define me. I am not my father and I am not the men who psychologically abused me.

I was afraid of asking anyone for help ever, for fear of being labeled needy, codependent, a victim.

My greatest fears and greatest shame stem from my own pride, that others might find me stupid or weak or lacking.

The first task is healing, then figuring out what I want to bring into the world, and how I will achieve it.

I'm venturing out on my own as myself for the first time ever. I want to feel alive, I want to get as much out of this life while I am here that I can.

Because I finally realize, it's not my fault, I am not broken, I am not fucked up, I'm not my abusers.

I will be defined from here on out by my choices and actions, and not by the demons haunting the dark spaces of my mind.